Ver 04

So where were we? Ah, yes, the commissioner pushed the butoon, which somewhat looks like a button, somewhat sounds like a button, and works like a button, but replaces the first "button" word. A sign of an amateur covering an amateur's mistake with an amateur explanation. And because the button was pressed, the Heudringottingenberger-und-Hzyepterzchwagenoftereich Police Headquarters became a giant mecha, with the commissioner in command, and will stop Problem.

So finally they met. It did not take too long because Problem's location can be traced by the trail of destruction he left and the looting that followed. (Remember, the can of Schlopper's Roast Turkey Ham Flavor rolled outside a convenience store, indicating that the self-closing door usually found in these shops is disabled. Of course, now that you know his destructiveness, I will just tell you that he managed, obviously easily, to break the glass walls of the convenience store in such a way that there is no obstruction in the path of the can of Schlopper's Roast Turkey Ham Flavor that rolled and caused Ver to have an accident with the can of ham-flavored roast turkey.)

To describe what I imagine would be a typical Problem-style trail of destruction, there would be smashed-up and overturned police cars (common), broken fire hydrants with water gushing out (more common), a mess of the masses (commoner), and general disorder (most common). That will be creative enough. Now, onto the battle.

The police saw their target hastily disassembling a police car engine for some ruby-encrusted glow stick he dropped. You know, one of those everyday objects like hamburgers and toilet paper that enter New York and is suddenly encrusted with lustrous minerals like crystal meth, made into news and then hidden in some private collection to be used as what it should be. If it was flypaper it goes to New York and becomes a amethyst-studded flypaper, made into news, bought by the Caliph of Oilydesertstan, and finally is used as ordinary flypaper. How one of these stuff went to Heudringottingenberger-und-Hzyepterzchwagenoftereich you ask? In this case, the CEO of some DIY fortune-telling kit company bought a ruby-encrusted glowsitck and was pickpocketed without him knowing it, and then the pickpocket sold it in one of the most hip black markets, where it was on display until the Problem came.

He took it and wondered how cool it was in a dark place, so he took a pipe to peer at it. But, the pipe was connected to the tail of a car and is properly know as a tailpipe. So when he looked, the stick slipped deeper into oblivion. And when he thought he already found something shimmering inside the muffler, the Heudringottingenberger-und-Hzyepterzchwagenoftereich Police Headquarters Mecha blocked out the sun, with the police commissioner saying something on the lines of "Put your hands up in the air." or "Surrender or die." We don't exactly know, the mecha engines are too noisy.

Problem said "Don't block the sun!"

The commissioner was yelling over his megaphone something incoherent over the din of the V8000's. Imagine an ordinary V8 engine, only upsized.

Then Problem decided to take action, and pinched the big metal foot of the police mecha.

The masses watched.

Some pipes and wires were exposed, and then they spurted out black Oilydesertstan oil, which were ignited by the exposed wires, and quickly became a fireball. Normally any ordinary character would be killed by smoke inhalation, fire vacuum, lung combustion, or burns, but Problem is a supervillain which cannot be harmed by any police activity, so he survives the fireball. And because he is a supervillain, the fireball actually avoided him and jumped to the police mecha's other foot.

"Verb surplus parts!", shouted the commissioner. And for those who wonder, "Verb" is a minced oath.

Ver, one of those in the crowd, commented "That's a big problem." And his words came true in twisted logic. In a "POOF!", Problem became a big Problem, about as tall as the police mecha and a lot wider, and thus, more stable. And then did the battle begin.

I would really like to stop here and build up climax like annoying commercials do, but commercials are too annoying to be emulated, so I continue.

With a flick of a finger, Problem detached the spindly arms of the mecha, pouring coolant water all over the place. With a fancy wrestling move, also known as punch, the body was badly damaged. And with a haymaker punch, by Problem of course, the police mecha fell down to its own pool of water (its blood), with exposed wires still snapping and live.

The masses were shocked.